mmmburp

on a day when things really aren't going my way i don't really know what to do with myself. on one hand i am very disappointed today. on the other hand, when i get low i unfailingly begin to look at the positive things in my life. i find myself looking at the many blessings that i have. i have always felt my positive mental attitude was one of my better qualities. does this make me an optimist or a settler? i'd like to think i'm an optimist (here i go again) but maybe i am a settler. there is a distinct possibility that i fall short of things because i allow myself to fall short. i am easily comforted by the things i have. i can't decide if i'm content and that makes me accept failure or i cope with failure by by being content. i know some people in life who think that 2nd place really is 1st loser and for whatever reason i have never held that mentality. i can accept someone else being better than me. does that make me weak? probably. should i feel guilty that i am content in my life?

i feel like the only motivation i have is my family. Everything i do is for them to have it better. a better tomorrow, a better week, a better year, any little thing i can do to make it better for them i will do. undoubtedly though if i fail to make things better i will fall back on counting the blessings. i feel like there must be some balance between being content with what you have and striving to be better. i think i am almost completely at the content end of the spectrum. i need more strive in my life. i don't really strive to do anything for myself, except my physical fitness i guess.

is it possible for me to look around and be thankful for what i have and strive for more at the same time? i've never done it in my life. i have never looked around and said "this is great but it could be better if..." maybe i would try harder if i found something i was good at? does it count as striving if i am already good at it, or is that just more of being content? i know i have to motivate myself someway because someone else telling me to do something generally has the opposite effect on me. this is quite a question to ask myself tonight. something needs to change because i want better for my family, i want them to be happy. i want to be a better husband and dad.

(why don't i think i should be the best husband and dad? i mean really? that's what comes to my mind. i want to be better. that's what i wrote and then i thought why don't i want to be the best? i don't think i can be the best so i won't even make that my goal. i've never been #1 at anything in my life so why would i expect to start being #1 at anything now. i really can't think of one thing i've ever won. i am a loser. how can i think my life is great and think i'm a loser in the same breath)

i am a strange person.

now, i don't want anyone to get the wrong impression and think that i am sitting around feeling sorry for myself tonight. that is certainly not the point. i don't feel sorry for myself one bit.(i'm an optimist after all, or a settler) i love my wife, my son and the rest of my family very much and that is what makes my life happy. not jobs or possessions or winning. if they are happy then i am happy.

p.s. my apologies if that makes no sense at all but it was written more for my benefit than anything else. after all, it is my blog.